The Marriage Counselor
by juiceoftheORANGE
Summary: Kakashi is confronted with the most difficult trial of his career – One hour with the worlds worst couple! Fem!Naru
1. Chapter 1

**Authors Notes:**

Something that kind of popped in to my head, thought I'd write it down and basically see where I can take it. Thus the writers block is gone.

I may or may not extend this, but that'll be determined later, depending on what you guys think and want to see.

**Warnings:** Fem!Naru (_Not YaoI)_

* * *

The irritating noise of fidgeting thighs on a leather seat filled the awkward silence. To Kakashi however, the silence couldn't have been more appreciated. After all, listening to a bickering couple for a lengthy hour was bound to drive any sane man to cut off his ears. But there was silence – _finally_. Whether or not it was a scary sound, he would soon find out.

A pair of glazed over eyes peered over a tattered notebook, a fresh page stained with a messy, slanted, nearly illegible script. He pushed his half-moon specs to the bridge of his nose and then ran a firm thumb up and down his forehead. He could feel a migraine about to strike like a viper at any moment.

"_So_," He spoke, clearing his scratchy throat for the tenth time that morning. "After painful observation it seems to me like the pair of you are in a constant battle for dominance. Now, correct me If I'm wrong but this appears to be some child-like fued...who can run the fastest, eat the fastest, get the best grades. Does any of this resonate with you?"

A petite blond woman huffed in her seat and crossed her arms in defiance. Her overall appearance seemed that of a mature young woman – well kept, well dressed, ankles crossed neatly, perfect posture. One could easily be mistaken, but they would be made quite the fool. She was loud, obnoxious, overly confident, incredibly argumentative, and would not take no for an answer.

"I can't possibly see how this has anything to do with me, it sounds like the bio of the king arrogance over there." The blonds voice was breathy as she jerked her head towards her pissed off husband sitting parallel to her.

"Oh please, that's the biggest load of shit I've ever heard," The young male retorted in annoyance, pushing an inky strand out of his line of vision. "From day one you've always tried to one up me, Naruto. You can't say that it isn't true. Besides...you couldn't do it then and you can't do it now." He smirked, feeling a little triumphant.

"I completely disagree!"

"Of course you do, _dead last_." He had all intention to be spiteful – to hurt her. After three months of the anti-honeymoon period, he had already reached his limit. Neither of them imagined married life would be so...difficult.

"I...completely... disagree!" Naruto repeated, her tone more threatening than before.

Kakashi released a frustrated gurgle and threw his head back on the neckrest of his chair. He begged for the sweet relief of death, to be struck down there and then, to be free of this session. He shut his eyes and squeezed them tight almost expecting something to happen, he then snapped them open kind of relieved that he was still breathing. He sucked in a tonne of air and tried to center himself on the exhale.

"Sasuke, you shouldn't call your wife such things. Naruto, you can't literally disagree with everyone and everything all the time, _can you_?" He sure as hell hoped not.

"I don't disagree with everyone and everything, just _him."_ Naruto rolled her eyes at her husbands scoff.

"In my professional opinion, it appears as though you disagree with _Sasuke_," Kakashi corrected. "Because you want an excuse to arg-"

"I completely disagree!"

The frustrated counselor bit his lip and hung his head in defeat. He wasn't sure how much more of this back and forth he could take. His own frustration was matched with the likes of Sasuke's who was chewing viscously on his fingernails, a loud pop echoing with every bite.

Narutos fine eyebrow twitched uncontrollably, the sound was like some sick kind of punishment for her ears.

"Stop." She said through grit teeth, her molars grinding against another.

"Stop what?" Her husbands devilishly handsome face contorted in to that of a smirking buffoon. He **loved** to piss her off.

"Stop chewing your god damn nails you freakin' bastard!"

Sasukes smirk widened when he decided to ignore her. He turned gracefully on his chair and folded his arms across his chest, staring Kakashi dead in the eye like this petty argument was the epitome of all seriousness.

"Do you see what she does to me?" His words were laced with a faux sadness. "Telling me how to live my life, trying to change me – like I'm _not even_ good enough. Do you see?"

Kakashi stared with tired eyes as he reached for his mug. It was no surprise that it wasn't a cup of coffee, rather a gnarly cocktail of Sake and orange juice. The tangy orange flavor zapped his tongue like a cattle prod and the warmth of the Sake coated his belly like a knitted blanket. Oh how he cherished moments like these.

"Hmm, I see," He tutted, trying to pick the pulp out of his teeth. "But I'm pretty sure I no longer care."


	2. Chapter 2

**Authors notes:** Hope you enjoy the next installment, I decided to extend this in to a three-shot!

**Warnings:** fem!Naru (not-yaoi) , seriously unprofessional counseling

* * *

He grinned at her from across the table. "Don't you feel better?"

"How could I possibly feel better, hm?" She didn't return the smile, heck, she didn't even look at him. Her big blue eyes flickered from the television to her phone.

"I figured since we spent a day doing what you wanted to do you'd be feeling pretty fantastic."

She tapped on the screen of her phone and stared at her husband through narrowed eyes. "My idea of a nice day does not entail blowing a days wage on counseling, Sasuke."

"I like when you say my name," He winked and traced his bottom lip with his tongue.

"Don't be stupid." She couldn't help but crack a small smile, annoyed or not — the man was _incredibly_ sexy.

"See, right there!" He exclaimed, pointing a finger at her before poking her affetionately on the forehead. "All I want is that smile, we don't need to be coached by a complete stranger, Naruto."

"You heard what he said though, right? We're in a costant battle for domina-"

"Yes, _a constant battle for dominance_," Sasuke mocked.

"You don't take any of this seriously, do you?" Naruto exhaled deeply, resting her chin in her palm.

"No I don't, do you wanna know why?"

"Sure." She rolled her eyes, expecting some idiotic joke of a response.

"That's just what we do," He said, catching her gaze and grabbing hold of her free hand to stroke it lovingly. "We banter, we compete with another, most importantly though — we **love** each other. Maybe we don't fit the mould of a _normal_ couple, but what is normal?"

Naruto leaned back in her chair, almost out of breath. _Was he being...serious?_

"I–I, uh—"

"Speechless, Naruto? That's something I never thought I'd witness."

_And then he ruins it._

"I was beginning to think you had a soul, _sweetie_." She cocked her head to the side, pulling a smile that stunk of fakery.

"Wrong again, _darling_." He smirked, his obsidian eyes sparkled with cheek.

"We love each other, there's no question there. There's passion — _obviously_. But, sometimes I feel like we drift, we lose ourselves and one day we might lose the other. I don't want you to run away from me." Naruto spoke lowly as she rubbed her tired eyes, somewhat glad she had aired out the dirty, stinky laundry, but frustrated she had come across as vulnerable.

"You needn't be concerned with anything like that. It's _my_ pleasure to be with you, I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I wasn't quite frankly," He nodded his head slowly, almost agreeing with his own words, his grip on her hand tightening — he never wanted to let go. "Even in some crazy parallel of a world where I did run, you'd be the only person who could ever bring me home."

"Damn right!" Naruto fist pumped the air with enthusiasm. "Nothing can escape the clutches of Naruto, (da)ttebayo!"

* * *

Kakashi had woken with an incredible migraine — one that surpassed and destroyed the worst of the worst, then reared its ugly head and spat on it. His mouth overflowed with the taste of cigarette buds and a thick phlegm from last nights drinks. He was utterly and completely **wrecked**.

The only source of energy that fueled him was that of a long–black cup of coffee with thrice the amount of sugar than his usual. He nursed on his caffeine for half an hour —too lazy to pick the mug up, he lapped it up with his tongue instead._ This type of genius can't be taught in schools._

He couldn't stand the mere thought of heading in to work today, he couldn't stand the thought of talking to shit–head upon dip–shit, one after the other for the rest of the day. He held his pounding head in his hands, hoping to cry and release the built up cocktail of emotions — nothing. _Damn_.

It was then the sound of stampeding feet abused the corridor outside his apartment. The sound of children racing down the flights of stairs, the poor suckers that were their parents who had to run after them, all the whole trying not to trip down the steps. The echo of sloppy kisses from the loved up couples parting ways to go to work — it made him nearly gag and want to cry right there and then.

Every day he listened, every day he sat in his **pricey** apartment, on his **pricey** furniture, feeling **worthless** and no more than a five dollar bill. He was on his own, completely alone — he was bitter, he was angry, he was cold.

No warmth could warm, no wintry weather could chill him. (1)

He questioned himself more often than not. How can an unmarried man — _scratch that_, a man who hasn't had a girlfriend in years, possibly mend a marriage? How can a man who is miserable wish happiness upon the likes of others? He **_can't_**.

He ran through the memory of his last session, the day he met the most infuriating couple he'd ever been face to face with. He had told them they had serious flaws, and they did. But, he observed them, their underlying affection, their way with each other. It hurt him to know that such careless, selfish people could find such happiness and he couldn't. He feared he never would.

He would much rather bring them down, make them as miserable as he is, rather than allow them to feel something they clearly didn't deserve. But, he did!

"I'm so unprofessional." The silver haired man whined, smacking his head against the side of the wall.

* * *

(1) - a line from A Christmas Carol


End file.
